Smoke ‘Em, Pass ‘Em – Week 4
Editor’s Note: Readers with sensitive eyeballs or a love of censorship may want to skip this post. Don’t be fooled by the cuddly stuff at the beginning about farm animals and birthday parties.
We are planning my son’s first birthday party. I live on the family farm, and we are going to set up a small tent and do it right here. I used to think first birthday parties were lame and parents were doing it solely to shove their kids in my face.
My view has changed somewhat now. I’m a stay-at-home dad (and run a very small chicken farm), so this kid and I are together about 12 hours a day. And I’m doing my best to feed him information. We listen to Miles Davis radio in the morning over breakfast. I let him ransack his room while I read Shakespeare aloud (we have read The Tempest and King Henry IV Part 1 and are currently reading King Lear) and then Spanish lessons after that, which amounts to me butchering muchas palabras. Then I take him outside or take him with me jogging. He’s eating and yelling most of the other time.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
And the worst part about all of this is how fucking fast it’s all unfolding. I keep trying to remember the doctor holding him up after he was born. I don’t want to ever forget that. And here we are at a year. Fuck yes, this is a celebration. Buy the bubbly and let’s get stupid. Time will speed up if you let it. The only way to combat it is to cultivate great moments. Happy moments. Stack them up. Because soon you’ll be old and good memories are way better than bad ones.
If you need a reminder of how fast things are moving: a quarter of the season will be in the books after this weekend. What have you learned? If your team has scored well but you’re on the wrong side of .500, don’t panic. If your team is dead last in points, this weekend is your everything. You need a win or it’s time to make moves, which will likely mean selling one of your best players for a few fliers. It’s not a fun decision. But neither are most decisions in life. Get over yourself. You can do anything if you decide you want it badly enough. All you need is honesty, love, and commitment. Now go do it.
This is the same advice I’m giving my son on his birthday.
Ryan Tannehill vs. NE
This is by far the scariest play of the week and probably the dumbest. The Dolphins haven’t won in Foxborough in 10 years. But it feels good, if only for the potential schadenfreude. An empire grasping at its last remnants of relevance, aging slowly and steadily as the Roman Empire before them. The shit running in the streets. Doomed by their own greed and pomp. Or perhaps, as Ozymandias warned, simply swallowed by the sands of time. This has been a long time in the making. Waiting for Tom Brady to quit holding the mouse from The Green Mile. Waiting for Gronk’s syphilitic aneurysm. Waiting for Bob Kraft’s tanned and chapped skin to crack and fall apart. We wait and wait and wait. Perhaps forever.
Matt Breida at LAC
Listen, this Jimmy G stuff is sad. I feel for the guy. If I suddenly lost my hands and couldn’t type (or masturbate), I’d be devastated, too. But it’s not like he lost his leg in the Revolutionary War, taking a bayonet to the thigh from some bloody Red Coat. Then, dragging his lifeless body through the streams and cricks on the outskirts of Philadelphia for three days without food, he finds his lover, who, in the log cabin she built, nurses him back to health before she whittles him a new maple leg with a matching maple club. In revenge for taking his leg, he scours the countryside for unassuming British soldiers, sneaking up on them and clubbing them to death while he wears a Union Jack flag as a cape; and, then, when his lover is taken captive, he is caught and hanged. But guess what? His lover is pregnant. And inside her grows a new kind of Revolutionary: a baby boy who shall be called CJ Beathard. Now that’s fucking sad.
Kerryon Johnson at DAL
Dallas gave up 100-plus to Chris Carson and the zombies on Seattle’s O-line, and Johnson is coming off his first 100-yard game. You can’t sit a guy on a heater. I know what you’re thinking: one 100-yard game a heater does not make. But look around the NFL at these backfields. They’re thinner than Tony Dungy’s dick. Johnson is a must-start.
Tyler Boyd at ATL
It’d be easy to explain away Week 2. But after Boyd’s 7-6-132-1 line last Sunday, you better damn well get him in the lineup. This has all the makings of a “third year wide receiver breakout.” Cincinnati is destined to win 10 games and lose in the first round of the playoffs, and Boyd is going to be a big part of that. Trade for him now. Give up one of the six running backs you roster because they’re all terrible and won’t be playing next week anyway.
Josh Gordon at MIA
You’ve been waiting for this your entire life. Your wedding day. The birth of your children. That promotion at work that changed your life. They are nothing compared to this. He is here to save you. Walk to the light. Can you see it? Strain your eyes. Yes, it’s the end of the blunt. Flash is smoking, and you better smoke some, too, in case this doesn’t work out.
David Njoku at OAK
He’s already been on here once. But now the Baker is throwing the dough. Do bakers throw dough? I’m not much of a baker. But I’m good at making breakfast. This is my mother’s pancake recipe:
- Dry ingredients: 1.5 c. flour, 3 tbsp. sugar, 3 tsp. baking soda, 1 tsp. salt
- Wet ingredients: 1.25 c. milk (I use almond milk because my son has a dairy allergy), 1 egg , 1.5 tsp. vanilla extract, three tbsp. butter (I use dairy free)
- Combine the milk, egg, and vanilla extract and hand beat it for one minute (your dick joke here). Set it aside.
- Combine the dry ingredients and set them aside.
- In the skillet you plan to make the pancakes, melt the 3 tbsp of butter. Combine the dry and wet ingredients and beat them until there are only small lumps left. Add the melted butter and fold it in.
- With the heat on medium ladle the batter into the skillet. Flip it when it’s bubbling. Put it on a plate. Add maple syrup. Eat your breakfast and look at David Njoku’s stat line. Now sip your coffee, smile, and wink at the camera.
Green Bay Packers Defense vs. BUF
This could be a real terrible Tannehill-level decision, but I’m counting on the rookie coming back down to earth. Also, who the fuck wrote up the Buffalo schedule? On the road two weeks in a row against, ostensibly, very good squads. Buffalo is treated like a farm team. It’d be great if Josh Allen led them out of the darkness. Joshua was, after all, Moses’ assistant. This wouldn’t be the first time a Joshua led a victorious uprising. Read up on your Biblical history. It will help you on Jeopardy.
Kirk Cousins at LAR
He could be in for garbage time fun here. But Thursdays are no time to find out whether a guy is gonna bounce back. I’m simply trying to avoid this whole situation until further notice. Do you like that?
Green Bay Running Backs vs. BUF
Mike McCarthy. A man who somehow retains a job despite being a colossal pantload. Who says stupid shit in the media. Who has somehow managed to have the best quarterback possibly ever and only one Super Bowl appearance for it. All those Green Bay stockholders need to call a shareholder meeting. Let your voices be heard! Go to the window and stick it out and yell, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!”
Indianapolis Running Backs vs. HOU
The thing is, I like Marlon Mack. But he’s as unhealthy as it is to roster any of these guys. When I wrote this segment years ago, I can only remember a handful of times you’d avoid an entire backfield. Now it’s three or four squads not worth touching. Soon there will only be One Running Back. The One will be elusive. The One will be owned by no one. He goes by the name, Frank Gore. As we creep toward those End Times, avoid Indy.
Chris Godwin at CHI
This is tough because, with a couple teams on bye, you might need to plug him into a flex role. But I’m tempted to believe Chicago shuts Godwin down. Tampa has been stretching the field, but have you seen this Bears defense? Big. Unrelenting. Filthy. Like a bear’s dick.
Corey Davis vs. PHI
Talk about disappointing. Four targets. The entire passing offense had 108 yards. For a four-quarter game. This whole Titans offense is a one-way ticket to disappointment. It’s like the running backs on your team. Your team isn’t any good. And it’s a direct result of decisions you made. But guess what? Nothing lasts forever. So quit whinging, learn from your mistakes, and start building something better right now. The universe isn’t waiting on you (more advice for my son).
Jesse James vs. BAL
If you look very closely at Chris Conte’s bicep tattoo, you can read the following: “Jesse, your fantasy season is over.”